| Today and tomorrow |
[Dec. 10th, 2009|04:02 pm] |
we woke up early and had a cardiologist (heart doctor) appointment early this morning....so we werent on cam for long.......tomorrow we have to go to kansas city for james neck dr ....i believe that is just for a follow up too....to see how he is doing and to make sure he has recovered well. We think he has but are going to go ahead and head up there to make sure and get him released and make sure he can start to exercise now..i am looking forward to the drive....it takes about 5 hours to get there....connie is still with us so she will baby sit jd for us,..that will make going and the appointment easier on us :) lol
after the appointment today we went and finished our christmas shopping...it was fun....jd is going to get tons of new toys and we are looking forward to wrapping them and seeing them under the tree and watching him open them...he will basically have a whole new set of toys to put in his toy box.....oh and a pair of pajamas...we found blanket sleepers for him....he already got one......he likes to take them off and then have me put them on....it's aggravating.....he does stuff like that.....like he likes to come out of his bedroom when he is supposed to go to sleep just to hold my hand and walk him back to his room....that is kind of aggravating too :)
oh and we thoroughly enjoyed our last naked tuesday....hope you got to see it...there were a few pictures but they have disappeared out of our photo album.....it's too bad....we had sex and i would have liked to see the pictures :))))))))
oh and i bought a puzzle ring from a catalog the other day...it is silver because i like silver better than i do gold......i am very excited about getting it....through my lifetime i have had three others so this will be the fourth. We bought connie one too....hers will be different than mine though. The ring actually has four rings on it....you can take them apart and put them back together...i still remember how hers has two rings on it that will be gold plated. We also got her a book that is daily devotionals for women.....she is an avid bible reader and very religious and the book is based on that kind of devotionals......i hope she likes it.....i do :) we are also going to buy her a carton of cigarettes. That may seem weird but she doesnt work so it will help her out quite a bit in the money department.
We got stuff for nina and her boyfriend (the one she accidently got common law married to) but i am not going into that list now :)) i have talked enough about christmas for now.....except that i think i am going to get a ham instead of a turkey. I love ham and have not had it on either thanksgiveing or christmas for years and years and years now so it is time :) i havent talked to james about it yet...but i am sure he wont mind. (god i love that man :)))))))))) !!!
talk to u later
peace and love to u
xoxo
debbie
http://ww.com/xoxojamesanddebbie3 :) |
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| hope you have a great day! |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|05:50 am] |
hi :) how are you doing today? we are doing well....james is headed back to sleep right now but it is only 5am so i can't blame him :)......i woke up at 2:30 am and could not fall back asleep so i have been on ww.com trying to re-fix my web page........talk about frusterating....i thought i had it set up and ready to go yesterday morning....but by last night it was wiped out again and i had to re-set it up. The only thing i still need is to get the photo album back......i have tried to figure it out but it is apparantly too hard for me, lol :))))))
i do like the challenge though.....i love wrapping my brain around shit and trying to figure it out....especially when it comes to the internet and my own web page :)) I have learned alot over the years and just love to do it.
Dont ask me how i can be so shy and still have a web cam.......ok ask :) lol... the web is just easier for me to meet people on and talk to them than it is in person....though i will admit sometimes email gets hard on me................if you are one of those people i have not answered back...it is simply because my brain gets scrambled when it comes to trying to socialize and that includes email. I have read every one though and have enjoyed them all.
Right now james has decided that he will answer email for me where i cannot. It is a great help. Right now we have over 20 emails in our in box that he wants to answer......so if you dont receive an email back or it takes awhile to get one back i am awfully sorry about that and wish my shyness did not get in the way.
enough of email....... ummmm.....my son who ran away about a month ago called wanting his stuff......he has called four times now asking him for it.........but i cannot feel right about giveing it to him....to me it feels like it would be a reward to him for the shit he caused ...........like ok honey ....you hit james in the heart two days after his second heart surgery and bruised him bad and you aimed for his kidneys and he had a massive bruise there....sure come on over and get your stuff to make your life easier and more comfortable to you....... LOL....FUCK NO!!! It has been a hard decision to make but i had to make it.....he is also spreading nasty terrible rumors about james and i refuse to reward him with that too................. besides i have checked on him (in my own schizophrenic way :)) and he is doing ok.......when i told him that he said "yea i am takeing care of myself" so he confirmed what i already knew.........besides he used to hang out with a group of about 5 boys and all of the times he has called i have heard them in the background talking and doing whatever they do...........E walked out with the shirt on his back and now he is mad at me for it.....but we gave him EVERYTHING he wanted when he was here and we bent over backwards to do so......when he ran away from home he gave it up. In July he will be 18.......he wanted out on his own and hitting james wasnt the way to go about it....... i will not tolerate it.................so why is it so bad he aimed for james kidneys? He has a disease that he was diagnosed with 6 years ago that is called Polycystic Kidney Disease......they gave him 5 years to live.....so hitting him in the places he did was more than just acting up when he was mad....it was......ummm....what word can i use? how about it was a really fucked up decision to make and he had no right to do it. When E called i told him i was not happy with him for the decisions he made and i was not going to help him out of the hole this time (between his dad and james and i he has run away 5 times) We saved his ass when he ran away from his dad and his dad saved his ass the one of the times he ran away from us. Enough is enough.....NO MORE....he wants to be an adult and make his own decisions.....hitting james and running away were the first two decisions he made and they were both totally fucked up. So i feel guilty a bit for not giveing him his clothes and whatever else he wanted....but then not really.
When he ran away we waited two days and then turned him into the police as a run away....connie suggested we tell him he can come get his stuff and have the police waiting here for him when he gets here......but we are not going to do that.....even if it is one hell of a good idea......they would hold him in a boys home type place until he was 18 so he would have food and shelter.....but i just cannot do it. Personally i hope that we taught him enough and he learned enough of what we tried to teach him to keep himself out of trouble on the streets (that was a big issue around here). I would prefer they did not arrest him and lock him up......and just hope he can get through the next 7 months without being arrested.
Oh well he is turning into a man......i used to believe that once you turn 18 you were an adult like everybody says you are......but to me that may mean they are well on their way to adulthood....but they are still kids too. That is what i get for being 39 i guess :) Overall i may sound like a bad mother.....but i feel it was time for him to get on the road to adult hood.....that is what he wants....he wants on his own and to take care of himself......life just slammed him in the face and he is going to have to deal with it now. Oh what i started to say earlier and forgot......is since he is still hanging out with his friends and there are so many of them that he cannot tell me nobody has a spare jacket or a shirt to change into......he told me he had been wearing the same shirt for a month.....but i think that was a bold faced lie......and in the situation i am in with him i have to just say that it wont kill him to wear the same shirt so i am not too heart broken over it. I am only heart broken over the whole thing in general.
OK enough of that.....lol...it's my therapy to write in here so i had to get it out. Haven't written properly in my journal for quite awhile and right now i need the therapy so that is that :)))
ummmmm...so what are we going to do today? at 1:15 i have an appointment with the lady who prescribes my meds for my being a bi-polar paranoid schizophrenic with severe social anxiety. I like her....she listens and does not mind helping me out when i ask for it. I have been going to a year but the appointments are only every once in awhile ..... but i have learned to trust her and am very happy with the way she has treated me. She is the first female dr i have had in the mental health department and i am glad to have found her. Usually i dont care wether the dr is male or female......
i just happen to have had all males except when it comes to giveing birth. I insisted on women dr's for that and have been very pleased with it........When my daughter was born my mother and my ex mother-in-law were both there....i invited them both in....i feel it is an important female happening and in the olden days it was just automatically that way and i feel it is right. My daughter is 20 now. When E was born i had to have a ceserean so only my x could be in the room (like i said he is now 17 and a half) and then when JD was born my dr was a female who helped me to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after ceserean). But my mother got to be there for that birth too. So that was cool. They were all excellent dr's. and now JD is 3 years old :)) Yes i started over :))))))))))))
So anyway ..... that is enough babbling on for now :))))))) i am going back to useing my journal as my diary so expect more posts like this in the future (very long and probably very boreing ...LOL) It is now almost 6 and i am tempted to try to wake james up again but he just fell back asleep :) (it's silly but i miss him when he is asleep:) i guess i am going to sign off here and try to play solitaire. I have a headache this morning so i am not too sure i want to play but it will give me something to do until connie and james wake up.
Peace and Love to u
xoxo
debbie |
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| It Snowed !!! :))) |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|04:27 am] |
looks like we got about two inches..... after growing up in arizona and saudi arabia i fully enjoy the look of the snow.... (lol...notice i did not say getting in it? :)))) it is 4 am and james and i are awake....the first thing we did was to go look at the snow...i love the sparkle of fresh snow in the street lights. God just does some neat things sometimes..and to me snow is one of them :))
here's to winter!
xoxo
debbie |
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| what a nice day it has been :) |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|05:57 pm] |
james and i woke up early as we usually do and started the day off in our usual way with plenty of coffee and good conversation. Connie came in and visited like she usually does too.....she is the one that sits in the corner of the cam page kind of hidden....
sorry i am not putting sound on our cam webpage....i do however love the new streaming set up....it is cool to watch with smooth movement instead of with the jerky delay that was the norm. B4. I do good to be able to be watched.....and our conversations in the mornings are too personal to share.....it would stunt my talking :)LOL....and that is my favorite time of day......wakeing up to hot coffee and a good cigarette and good conversation.....i love talking to james.....we spend all day together every day and never seem to run out of stuff to talk about :)
it took me awhile to figure out how to work the new page but i got it....had two web pages there for a bit by accident....if you saw the confusion today of turning the cam on and off that is what we were doing was trying to set up the new page.
you might notice that we took all of the links too.....that was an accident because i couldn't get them to work on the second page we were trying to create.....in general the cam did not run smoothly this morning....sorry about that....but in the end i think it was worth it.
And james and i went to a friends house today to buy some jewelry from him for christmas...we wear alot of silver (even our wedding rings are silver:)....james got three new rings for christmas and our friend also sold me a new bracelet....the one i had b4 broke. I love the new bracelet and he loves his rings. His rings are heavy and masculine and my new bracelet is nice and delicate and pretty and matches with my turquoise rings. James is thrilled as hell about the rings he bought. He has some pretty nice jewelry that we have gotten from that friend, and a massive beautiful bracelet that actually has a bear claw in it! It's awesome :)
now it is evening and we are settling in waiting for the bad weather to hit us.....we will get anything from ice to snow overnight and into tomorrow. The high here today was 27 degrees. Winter is here! i love winter because i can put a fire in the fireplace. I would have a constant fire going in the liveing room ALL of the time if i could.....i have a great love for contained fires :)
Oh and i forgot to say i also got a silver feather hair clip...our friend discounted everything we bought today....that was great :)
As of now we have our christmas tree set up and we are enjoying that and shopping for everybody.....we did get a few presents wrapped and put them under the tree but our son got into one of his and tore it open so the presents are now hideing in the basement :) even the little bike we bought him....it will be fun to teach him how to ride when the weather is clearer.
that is about it for what we did today ........i even had time to paint my fingernails black.....i love black nail polish...it's the little things that make me happy.....and i am girlified...i love makeup and perfumes (i usually smell like gardenias) and i love jewelry and clothes and doing my hair and all of that stuff...and my black nailpolish too :)LOL :))))
i guess that is about it for now....nothing exciteing happening here....just lots of little nice things.....if one looks for the joy in the small things they can usually find them :))))
here's to peace and love
wishing you all the best
xoxo
debbie
oh and somebody sent us a nice email today that had this picture on it....it is a great monday picture:))) LOL..and toooo darn cute to pass up :)!
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| James got me my book |
[Dec. 5th, 2009|07:10 am] |
it is called A Beautiful Mind....it is the life and times of the nobel prize winner John Nash.....he was also schizophrenic and i love the book so far. He got it for me for a christmas present. After he got presents the other day he wrapped them and put them under the tree.....poor JD opened his train.....He loves the train he will get...he kept insisting he needed it :) He even layed down for a nap and then when i woke him up the first thing he remembered it and said "Need that train"....... he will love it when he finally gets to open it for christmas. We took the presents out from under the tree and hid them in the basement instead.
And our house guest is back..... we all seem to be planning for the next month or so for her to be here again. At least a month. She is going to help us this month with letting us go christmas shopping and on the 11th we have to head to kansas city again for james neurologist (the neck surgeon)...she will help out tremendously with that.
that's about it for now
hope your day is a good one
xoxo
debbie |
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| i am serious about writeing a book |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|08:53 am] |
probably 10 years or so from now....i need to do research.....i want to start with the book A Beautiful Mind.....i asked James to get it for me for Christmas.
He has other stuff he wants to shop for.....he talked about going today.....i talked about doing nothing today.......i cant do nothing....but it is a nice thought :)
I suppose it will take me 10 years or so to do research because i am serious about it.....i want answers myself b4 i dive into anything........i love to dive in feet first blindly when i can.....but not this time.....i need to see what is out there....what i still have to learn myself.......and decide what i need to pass on to posterity. This only hits 1% of the world and it runs strong in my bloodline.......i need for them to know more than i did when i started......which was in a family full of denial that even i did not see. So i will do what i can.
guess that is about it for today.....we are still in the middle of quitting smokeing......we had 6 each yesterday...and are aiming for the same or less today.....i woke up extremely figety and in need of calming down and a smoke so i was happy we had a few. I am still looking forward to liveing without them though......we are looking forward to more money and freedom from the addiction and feeling better.....
Oh and btw.... here is a warning to u......should this affect your life....if you know someone who is schizophrenic they are also probably a *meth head*.....i am not the same type of schizophrenic......i am a paranoid schizophrenic.....they have a meth induced psychosis....and it is very real ......stay away from that drug.....it is all fucked up....
:) random warning out of no where huh? but i am serious about that too...... i have been watching that damn drug fuck up more people than i care to think about.....just stay away from the shit...or get out of it if you can....................amen
xoxo
debbie |
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| Famous Schizophrenics |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|06:42 am] |
Famous People and Schizophrenia
There are relatively few famous people with schizophrenia because schizophrenia is a brain disorder that typically strikes people when they are quite young - age 17 to 28. People this age typically are too young to be famous, they are just starting out their professional lives after completing high school or college.
A recent Nobel Laureate in Economics, John Forbes Nash Jr., has a lifetime history of Schizophrenia but is now doing very well, as has been well documented in the book "A Beautiful Mind" and the academy award-winning movie of the same name.
Many "historical diagnoses" are frequently not entirely certain -- a "good guess" for schizophrenia includes Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of President Abraham Lincoln. Following is a list of famous people who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, or are highly suspected of suffering (or who had suffered) from schizophrenia.
Tom Harrell, Jazz Musician
Meera Popkin, Broadway Star
John Nash - Mathematician/Nobel Prize Winner
Albert Einstein's son - Eduard Einstein
Dr. James Watson's son (Dr. Watson is co-discover of DNA and Nobel Prize winner)
Alan Alda's Mother (Alan Alda is the famous TV actor from the series MASH)
Andy Goram - Scottish Soccer Player/Goal Keeper
Lionel Aldridge - Superbowl-winning Football Player
Peter Green, Guitarist for the band Fleetwood Mac
Syd Barrett of the band Pink Floyd
Alexander "Skip" Spence and Bob Mosley - both members of the 1960's rock group Moby Grape (and Jefferson Airplane for Skip Spence)
Roger Kynard "Roky" Erickson, of the Austin-based 1960's group TheThirteenth Floor Elevators
Joe Meek - 1960's British record producer
James Beck Gordon (Jim Gordon) - James Gordon had been, quite simply, one of the greatest drummers of his time
Charles "Buddy" Bolden - Jazz Musician
Antoin Artaud - Dramatist, Artist
Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of Abraham Lincoln (past-President of the United States)
Vaclav Nijinsky, Famous Russian Dancer
Jack Kerouac, Author, was diagnosed with Schizophrenia
Tennessee Williams sister Rose Williams had schizophenia
(source:Tennessee WilliamsNotebooks,Edited by Margaret Bradham Thornton,Yale University Press, 2007) |
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| got a haircut last night |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|05:52 am] |
thank u jd :) i am now going to have to consider bangs......it was a lovely surprise this morning to find bunches of my hair falling out and on the floor beside the bed....... james smiled at me and said "better you than me" LOL..... that is probably true......
james just got back from getting us cigarettes.....we still want to quit....he is going to ask today at his appointment for some chantix...... it would be nice to see if that worked for him....... right now he came back with short cigarettes....we usually smoke 100's....i like that he got the short ones this time. so i guess that is the update for now.....
overall in life we have too much going on to talk about.....i dont want to spend 1/2 the day sitting here typing right now :) mostly wanted to say hi (hy)
talk to u later :)
xoxo
debbie |
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| I hope today is a Good Day! |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|07:37 am] |
A good day for everybody....lol...why not??? :) we deserve it ! :))))
So here's to a good Day 2U!!
xoxo
debbie and james |
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| I dont have to cook for thanksgiving :)) !YaY |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|04:50 am] |
James ordered a turkey dinner for us....we get to pick it up tonight......
so far so good here.....we are hanging in ok and looking forward to the holiday :)
we hope life is treating you well and that you get to find plenty to be thankful for :))
be safe in your journeys
xoxo
debbie and james |
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| stream o consciousness |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|03:42 am] |
death is in my head alot lately
so is life.
somehow they seem to not go together but they are so close to each other. the moment you step across that line you go from one realm to another i suppose. and they dont seem to me to be so far apart that they are divided by a universe.....rather they seem to be a hairs breadth from each other. like the dandelion......a full circle one moment and then the slightest change in the wind and it becomes a whole different circumstance.
each one is as individual as the person themselves i think
personally i want to be alone when i die.....and i am not sure if i will do it in a hospital or at home......i see advantages to both....but for one i dont want to put my family through that..............it appears to be information lost to me......in history people had their family members die in their homes....it was a part of life.....but the art (meaning skill)
and information that helps us get through those times seems to have been lost......hospice exists.....but that isnt what i want either......i think if i am slow to die i would rather it be in a hospital.....but i willl see how i feel about it when the time happens. I was there for my grandmothers death....she died at home.....and when my dad died.....he died at home......i was there for that too.......so dieing at home is all i know
what i know about it i want to pass on to my eldest....she is female
to me it is the womans job......to help our loved ones to help us/them pass on......in the takeing care of our physical bodies until we cross over.....that would be ideal to me in some ways and some ways not :)....... but lord knows how the reality of it will turn out :)
he seems to have surprises around every corner lately :))
guess that is about it for now :)
peace and love to u
xoxo
debbie |
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| life lately |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|04:53 pm] |
life lately has been kind of rough. My son ran away from home last weekend. We finally had to turn him in as a run away on Monday. He called once pissed and screamed for a bit then hung up. When i asked him where he was he said "nowhere" so i guess that answers that :)
He is 17 now......i am assumeing this is the age he is to act that way? :)
but i have his phone now......i was the only one around here without a cell phone...... but the phone was free with our plan so i may as well use it for emergencies....personally i am not a fan of phones...... i always cringe when i hear them ring and worry about who might be there next waiting to be an asshole :)
james as been healing pretty good........steadily getting better.....slowly but steadily
we are struggling with the not smokeing part so we have cut back but not quit.......i think it looks like we still smoke alot because sitting in our bedroom is where we do it ........ but we both are still heading in the direction of quitting....... we have changed our eating habits.....i prefer to eat that way anyway so it is easy for me. I went to the dr once who checked my cholesterol and he was impressed because mine was better than his. I told him to eat raw garlic in his diet and it would help him alot. :)
oh and our guest moved in :) we are not sure for how long.... and are not trying to worry about it........we enjoy her company and she likes to refill the coffee pot :)) lol
her name is Connie so if you see her on cam now you know :)
that's about it for now :))
hope life is treating you well
!peace
xoxo
debbie |
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| the surgery was a success :) !!! |
[Nov. 6th, 2009|04:18 am] |
we got to the hospital wednesday morning and he was almost immmediately brought back to get the process started.......it actually took only about a 1/2 an hour..........he was then brought back to the intensive care unit and then let go yesterday.......he says the air even feels weird and tastes and smells kind of weird .........lol.......that to me is weird :) but it makes me so happy :)
we left the hospital to come home yesterday and we are now happy little campers :))
hope you have a great weekend
peace to u
xoxo
debbie and james |
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| Finally a Surgery Date |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|06:48 am] |
James will have his second heart surgery next wednesday....on the 4th of Nov.......we have to be to the hospital by 7 am that morning......he will stay the night and come home the next day
!YAY :))))
they said that they had to take 3-4 weeks to see how the first stint healed in there.......so far so good.......the first one seems to have taken nicely
i will be glad when life gets back to being boreing :)
xoxo
debbie |
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| on a healing path |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|05:14 am] |
everybody has been sick around here except me....... E got a cold....JD got a flu.....and james heart is still 80% blocked so we have been busy takeing care of ourselves and trying to get better.
today is a lucky day though....we finally get to see the cardiologist.......he had his heart attack on the 5th and today we finally get our first cardiology meeting at the VA :)))))) hopefully today will be the day the dr tells us the next surgery date......that is what we need the most......we need to get his heart unblocked
the baby sitter will get here around 8 or so to baby sit JD......she is the friend that stayed with us for about 3 weeks a bit back.
she will be helping the week of the next surgery too.......with whatever we need to keep the house going and make sure everybodies needs are still taken care of......she is a very good helper and i like haveing her around.
that's about it for now
talk to u later
xoxo
debbie |
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